Τετάρτη, 18 Μαΐου 2011

truth is what u believe

Honesty is the best policy. 
 Miguel de Cervantes


 


I claw at my life like a rabid dog. as my last drop of blood lands on the ground there is a final question kicking my head.
was my love an addiction?
an infatuation?
all my crying for naught?
did you keep me alive just to torture my soul?
or were you trying to protect me?
I walked the streets of this dirty town a thousand times, looking for my home, a home that was demolished a long time ago. I came upon a crushed gate. Where my school used to be. I knew if I crossed the line there was no turning back. I΄ve always been a brave fool. My old habits will die when I do. Soon.
I looked at your photograph. my last possession, I had this foolish notion that if I held on to it you΄d follow me. A photograph you didn΄t want me to have. Because there was despair in your eyes the moment the photographer took it. All I could see was your knees. The knees I used to love to kiss. And you 'd pull me by the hair laughing your heavenly laughter.
-Kiss me, stupid, you ΄d say.
-I am kissing you, I would reply, your knees are you. I would continue kissing them one at a time, whispering to them. you΄d pretend to get jealous.
-You got something to say, say it to my face, mister.
-I can΄t look at your face, it΄s too beautiful. you΄d start laughing again but I meant it. Your face was a beautiful sun that I couldn΄t look at too long.
Damn memories, they would soon dissapear just like you did. Only your photograph would accompany me in the afterlife. If I managed to hold on to it.
I stepped on shards of broken glass as I walked past the bakery my mother used to send me to get bread. The hissing sound echoed in my head. My hands were shaking, traces of morphin at my fingertips, venom in my mind. The same hands that once embraced your neck, same finertips that once searched and found your jugular vein to feel its pulse. Everytime I did that you΄d panic, afraid I would strangle you. All I ever wanted was to feel the blood circulating within you, trying to imagine what it would be like to somehow enter your blood stream, swim in it, like some crazy red river me floating in it.
-If you are trying to seduce me, you are doing it all wrong. your voice would wake me from the trance.
-I don' t want to seduce you.
-Sure you do, you are a man.
-I don' t want to seduce you. I would repeat raising my voice, tightening the grip around your neck. You΄d try to pull away, afraid I would hurt you.
How could you think I would ever hurt you?
I did not want to hurt you, seduce you, use you, possess you or any of those riduculous things. I wanted to become a mere molecule swimming for all eternity in your blood system.To live inside you was all I ever wanted. A tiny traveler of your inner self. To climb on your ribs one by one, to slide down your spine, to camp inside your vagina for an entire summer, to fall asleep in your lungs every night, to bathe inside your heart every dawn.
How could I dare reveal these thoughts to you?
Unspoken they became flames that blazed inside my head. You΄d look at me in the eyes, trying to quess what my motives were. You needed logical explanations for my behavior. I had none to offer. The intensity would strain my once innocent eyes turning them red. You thought my gaze hid murderous insanity. It was only pure desire. Υou couldn΄t have known that. I never told you.
So you ran away.
I didn΄ t blame you. I just missed you.
Once you had left I started writing all these thoughts in a black notebook. Words written with my blood. My entire essence dripped in white pages. Not a confession but a hymn to your beauty, the unique beauty of you that graced the darkness of my life. I filled the pages with odes to the magnetism of your  blue eyes, trying to capture the feeling of how clear they were to me like infinite skies. Poems for your gentle hands that when I touched every longing of my heart was satisfied. Entire passages devoted to your natural aroma which every time I inhaled, intoxicated by it I felt freed from all mortal limits and flew to heavens unknown to the common man. I was favored by the gods to touch your skin, to carress your hair. I was offered the gift of your divine presence and I had the duty to write about it.
Now my blood had run out. The manuscript completed, my final mission to deliver it. So I had to keep walking as the moon above me screamed and died. I tried to hum a song to silence my fears. In the dark alley to my left I saw a snake fucking a beutiful princess, semen glowing in her groins. I somehow knew it was the last light of the universe. My tremors were gettin worse,the fix was running out. So was my time.
I was a child once, I danced with red roses in luminous gardens. It now seems a thousand years away. One morning a black rain came and washed my dreams away. I don΄t need anyone to shed tears for me. I only ask for forgiveness from the persons I hurt. I tried to live my life as an art form. I only tried to speak the truth. But my truth was as bright as your face and you couldn΄t look at it too long. So you left and you took the world with you.

As my last breath left me, my final wish was that you wouldn΄t read this because it would upset you.
 

sleepless in soulpie